Spirit Spit

I couldn’t contain my excitement. I was up at 5:30.The only pink shirt I own was about to be all up on this bod! I’m a themed dresser and I hate pink, but it was women’s conference day, day 2! Walking Confidently. I was fired up and in pink.

We were completely loved on and poured into the night before by the spirit. I imagined this was roughly 1/10th of the energy Peter felt as he huddled in a room with the other disciples and some believers as the Holy Spirit entered into them via God’s fire spit. God spirit spit melted into their skin, instantly penetrating their veins and filling their hearts. It was good. God spits fire, he really does. It’s in the word….you can’t deny it.

 They saw what seemed to be tongues of fire that separated and came to rest on each of them. All of them were filled with the Holy Spirit and began to speak in other tongues[a] as the Spirit enabled them. Acts 2:3-4

Now, I didn’t see any actual fire tongues, but I could feel my heart heat up and beat faster. It was totally a Book of Acts moment. It was good and I was ready for more.

My oldest had other plans. I woke him up Saturday with praises. He has many gifts and talents, but winning is NOT one of those! He makes running look hard. Like seriously, you see this kid run and you will never want to run again because it just looks like pain. He was at a birthday party the night before and played laser tag. He came in last place, but was so excited that when he reminisced the story, I had just assumed he did well. It wasn’t until the morning, when I found the score card that I realized he was in last place. My heart melted. God doesn’t make us winners baby, but he surely gave us the gift of good sportsmanship!

Then…

“Eli can you turn down the ipod (Chris Tomlin music of course) please, people are still sleeping…..Eli more please, I can still here it on the other side of the house.”

“Fine!” He screamed as he turned it off and slammed it on the table. This ipod is hanging onto life. It’s barely there….literally barely there, half of the screen is already chipped off and somehow it still works. Like, you can’t be slamming and dropping this thing. It probably works because Chris Tomlin possessed the dang thing to play just HIS MUSIC! AHHH, he haunts me!

Well this was, of course, not ok and resulted in the ipod being taken. Moans. Then,  there was no milk because I forgot to get some. Moans. So Starbucks brownie for breakfast day! Calories don’t count during Women’s Conference day so game on! Cheers! I ordered chocolate milk and not hot chocolate. Moan. The tears. The tears. I was just making Eli’s life hell apparently. I finally broke and yelled….hard. More tears…and Tomlin singing about waterfalls and streams of mercy. It was just too much. Just way to much water, AND IT WAS WOMENS CONFERENCE DAY!!! I should be the one with the waterworks on while having some spiritual, fire tongue, spirit spit, God revelation moment darn it! Oh the irony.

Against all odds, he somehow remained in my car and I threw my hands up and laughed, eventually. I said, “Boy! You can’t rain on my parade. If you don’t want to eat that’s cool. If you don’t want your chocolate milk that’s cool too! More sugar for me because today calories don’t count!” We marched into that conference messy. We still showed up and we showed up ugg–aaa–lleee. He looked like a meth addict all red faced, eyes swollen and 4 scabs on his face from who knows what, boyhood perhaps? We were a sight! The baby just woke up and was in pajamas still and me…well I was angry and exhausted, already. I ran to my friends and asked what was wrong with my child!? They laughed and said absolutely nothing.

I was reminded. God doesn’t call us to become perfect people. He doesn’t call perfect people. There aren’t even any of those! He calls the messy. He calls the meth addicts and the meth addict look a likes. He calls the moms who fall apart and yell. He draws close those who throw up their hands in defeat. He grabs those hands and pulls them out of the water and guides their feet to walk on it! We struggle so He can shine. If we didn’t have trouble, God couldn’t show up. There is no miracle to take place if nothing is in need of some miracle making. He doesn’t remove us from adversity. He shows up in it. So then when we move and live and love in those terrible, ugly life moments people see a God at work in us. We praise him in the rain and the waterfalls of tears and He shows up and wipes them away. He never promises us a life of ease, but He promises us comfort and peace. Jesus says:

“I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world” John 16:33

So take heart my friends. Seek his comfort and it will be given. Show up messy and he will love on you. I walked out of that conference with confidence in my chaos. I am a mess, a beautiful mess, and that is ok. In my imperfect reflection  I can see His perfection because He shines through my cracks and brings light to the world. I just have to sing His glory loud and proud, give credit to where it is due. It’s not me that does the good stuff, it is Him in me. I am the one who yells, He is the one who redeems it. He showed me comfort through love from His people, my friends, who laughed and said “girl me too, you are not alone!”  And that my friends, is a truth that I can walk confidently in.

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Guide to Learning of Self (Mandy Edition)

People often question, “Who am I?” “What do I value?” “What are my morals?” “What kind of person do I want to be?” and so on. Often, these times of “self discovery” lead to trips around the world, or on journeys in your (mostly) single life. You meet people and leave people, become a gypsy. It’s all under the “YOLO” “Self-seeking” “I’m finding myself” “All about me time” “Imma do me” attitude.

…I think this is crap. But this is me thinking.

AND I think these are all beards. They are all cover ups. Beard A way to run. A way to avoid. It is a way to become someone you are not. It is a way to hide behind the excitement. When someone says something you don’t like you say “Peace out!” and throw up your deuces. Yes, you now have a pocket full of experiences and have enjoyed life. Pat yourself on the back. But the path of self discovery, I believe, doesn’t truly begin until 2 things happen.

1) Marriage

Nobody will be quicker to point out how bad you suck at life than your spouse. Those late nights used to be ok. The socks on the floor and pile of dirty clothes left in the bathroom after you showered used to be fine and unnoticed. You quickly realize that consequences follow actions and that they come in good and bad versions. Once, in your past and pre married life, you used to preach on forgiveness and on love….then you realize what a hypocrite you are because these ideas quickly retreat and hide under the bed when confrontation evokes. It used to be so easy. You used to love from afar, but now you must be accountable on every little thing.Oh boy! Look out! This means if you don’t cook dinner because you were to busy saving the world of the PTA, guess what!? Who cares? Dinner isn’t cooked so the world at home ends! Let’s see how well you can be all loving when that happens!

2) Children

Have you ever seen a mini human become so angry and loose patience in an instant just because 2 lego pieces wouldn’t connect correctly, or because the homework computer program won’t connect properly? Connection problems grrrr.  I’m sure you have seen this. Then there is that EUREKA moment… aka SHIT moment! You think, “I do the same thing!” Ever hear your child spew words of hatred because they were taught by example to snap when they get angry and to fire back with words? Have you seen your child protect what is theirs because they weren’t taught to share? Or if they were, they were taught out of discipline and not understanding. They share out of fear, instead of from their heart because they were never taught that human connection is worth more than their toy. Want even more of a challenge to finding self? Be a single mom. Then you can’t blame your child’s mouth on your spouse or their messy habits on them either. You are their #1 influence. BAM!

Self discovery….is mostly discovered with others.

Of course I have a perfect marriage and perfect children so I can’t relate to the above. My only defect is that I am simply to awesome. The fingers don’t all point to me here.

Fingers

Life is a path to self discovery and I am learning that I am just beginning to learn who I am.

Search my God and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me and lead me in the way everlasting. -Psalm 139:26

Failure is always an option, but it is never final. There is always grace and there is always hope. In all that good stuff there are struggles. The struggles are the cracks and in the cracks the light will shine. C’est la vie!