I forgot THAT. My memories have become jumbled, fabricated and rationalized. I suppose that’s the inner addict. I have this AUH-MAZ-ZING talent of rationalizing ANYTHING! I can take a situation and turn it into something it totally is not. I’m sure everyone can relate to that skill and I am sure it is not unique to only me, although I would like to think it is. Why, I do not know?
I forgot what it looked like. I forgot the smell. I forgot how the brain fires ideas, thoughts, dreams, feelings, wants and needs all at once. POW! I forgot how the body can’t sit still due to the force of your brain triggering everything all at once which ignites this huge explosion of bull shit to heave out of your mouth with a force so hard that your limbs flail all about the room. I forgot the euphoria of it. I forgot how quickly one shot to the arm erases all of the chills, the tears, the darkness and replaces it with a cape of invincibility and feeling of “I am awesomeness!” I forgot how once the vein was found the world suddenly made sense. I forgot how it made your pupils so tiny that the color of your eyes pop from your face. I forgot how it felt to wake up in a ball in the backseat of my car hearing you scream for me to wake up through the sobs and what the fuck’s.
I saw the you and I saw the me. I saw the people that my new life had misplaced. I saw the emotions that I bottled up and stored away. I took that life chapter and loaded it onto my bookshelf to sit and collect dust, never to be read or seen again…well except on occasion when I would flash the fancy sequel to the book, the one where I become sober, the one I would show off as if it were a purple heart that I earned. And in the telling of the sobriety tale, the struggle story would sit on the shelf, full of dust with only an honorable mention.
It all came back to me and I couldn’t breath. Mandy shooting heroin: Chapter 1.
God has taken all the want of drugs from my heart, but only the want for the drug. Friggin miracle status right there! For that I am so grateful. All of the shortcomings are still there, I promise that! But sometimes I forget. I forget the extremes of my used to be daily life, how I used to dance on an always erupting fault line. I get so caught up in this stupid little life I have created of materialistic bullshit that surrounds me. LOL like seriously! It was only 5 years ago that I would go 5 days without a shower. I couldn’t function as a person. I didn’t understand how people could laugh when completely sober.
I remembered the struggle to get sober. I remembered all of the bad.
I remember why I had to leave you there when you wouldn’t come with me.
Too easily I forget where I came from and what really is important in life. It is ok if my sons room is temporarily a mess and that the carpet is covered in toys. Thanks to Gods grace and mercy I am here to pick up the pieces and teach him how to do so in my actions.
Nothing is bigger than God. He pulled me out. He taught and is teaching me how to live. He has blessed me with unconditional love and a family. I can’t take this for granted. Daily I need to be on my knees remembering where I was and how His promises have given me sobriety and hope. There is no point in fear, anger or hate. I don’t have time for that.