Stagnate

:cease to flow or move; become stagnant.

Something crazy happened last night.

I felt deep embedded shame. I experienced this moment of pain. The roots I buried deep underground and covered with layers upon layers of busyness and activities came alive. They sprouted a little seedling that silently crept up to the surface. This was a seed I didn’t realize I had even planted, watered and were sunning until BAM “here I am!” it appeared. It burst from my heart and scared the hell out of me!

I choked. The words came out to a group of friends in a moment. In a moment I spoke it into existence.

Now people know my secret. Now I realize it’s there! My skeletons are now dancing freely on a table in front of me and they are laughing. Fear has enabled them to taunt, harass, and multiply my shame.

I said, “It’s been 5 months since my son lost his father from an overdose. This father wasn’t a dad, he became a guy we barely recognized. And I still don’t have my shit together. I am sitting on paperwork that needs to be dealt with and handled. And I sit and stare at it. I keep us so busy and running so I can say that I don’t have the time. This has caused bruises in my relationships. It’s raised feelings that I thought were dead. It’s embarrassing. This needs to be done. But I don’t like the messy. So I sit and stagnate”

I’m watering this stupid ugly seed with my smelly stagnate water….

Now my words are out there and my skeletons are entwined in a waltz of dirty dancing for others to see. I am now accountable.

It’s the little things that trip us up and make us feel dirty and unworthy. This “thing” is so small and silly, and yet, I hold it. I take it to bed with me, I shower with it, I feed it….and why? And now it rests in my hands. It wraps around my wrist like a bracelet for all to see with a shake of my hand.

I fall to the cross. God help me face this. Be with me. Walk with me. Show me what to do. Love me. Help me be free of this bondage.

Advertisements

All About Pink, just for today.

There is pink everywhere today. I can’t stand the color.

It’s the color of you. You weren’t ready until that bright obnoxious color was on your body, even if it that meant your underwear.

I miss you.

There will be an article written about you soon. About your love of horses and of children. It’s funny because children were always creepy little humans full of dirt, until you started to teach.

I can’t believe it’s been 6 years. It doesn’t seem so long ago. Until I think of how much has changed. I was a smoker. “Single Ladies” was the #1 song. Obama was inaugurated. My life was a hot mess.

I’m sad I let you slip away…no, I am sad that I slipped away at the end.

We had a friendship that sparkled. The kind you see in movies. We could read each other’s minds with a glare or twinkle of our eye.

You were my person.

It’s ironic the animals that brought us so close, and brought your joy to so many lives took yours away. They robbed you of breath and broke your heart. Then again, it isn’t ironic at all. Its beautiful. With life comes death.

Horses were your obsession. It wasn’t just a child fantasy of Barbie and ponies. Yours was real. And you got to live it.

Pink and ponies.

Today I will hug my girl. And as I brush out her mane I will remember all of the times I sat on her back in your presence. You taught me life. You taught me love and how to be passionate. You showed me how to be an idiot. You were the first light I saw that pointed to God.

 

I am forever thankful.

Until we meet again my dear dear friend, love you bye!

The Weekend of Beauty From Ashes

I am a thrift store $1 picture frame hoarder. I repaint them and frame everything. One of the frames fell and broke, no heartbreak there because it was only $2. My son picked it up, he is 8, and said “Don’t worry mom! I got this. I will make beauty from the ashes!” This was on Friday. It set our theme for the weekend.

…Then came Sunday. I feel like I get stuck in those stupid revolving doors sometimes. I just keep circling. Just as I am about to step outside, that stupid door spins too fast and throws me back inside. Seriously.

I know I NEED to love. I know I NEED to throw away my resentments once they poke their little heads up and say “Yo! I’m here again!” But so often I just keep spinning…in the stupid glass revolving door. I can see the light, but I get stuck in my darkness which turns to shame when I see my son carry on my same behaviors. Monkey see, monkey do.

We often have karaoke parties at the house. Not our doing, not my house. Karaoke tunes are thrown against the walls and reverberate their squeals of pain, which creep under the cracks of all of the closed doors. There is no running away, especially when it is dark outside. (Trust me, I tried and running in the dark didn’t end well.) This is not a favorite past time. I would love karaoke if I could escape it or if it were an option. Usually these unwelcomed parties leave Eli and I locked in my room with some version of Harry Potter on the tele with volume cranked to 30. It is my small attempt to make the unwelcomed circumstance better. Because after all, we can’t control our circumstances, only our attitudes towards them…biting and cringing on my own words here. I’m such a hypocrite haha! Then I scan the rentals and apartments in the area and get depressed because to live in California, in our town, you have to have handfuls of cash falling from your pockets. I then realize I am stuck, and I sink into my dark spot where I lose my words and become a robot. and I HATE IT! I’m such a freaking baby. Pity parties are my specialty. And for the record I would never move out without my husband in tow, I would miss him terribly and be lost. It’s just a fantasy I play out in my head.

Well let me tell you…NOT MORE! NO MORE! I won’t sit there, in the dark anymore! That devil sneaks his way into my mind, and now I am saying no. This new found inspiration came from the 8 year old.

This time, the vice president of the pity party council said “NOT ANYMORE!!!!” Eli went upstairs, grabbed his guitar and my husbands laptop. He plugged in his amp, blasted some of his favorite Jesus tunes and sang, danced and strummed his little heart out. I emerged, pissy faced, from my pity palace and saw Eli wide eyed, crazy smiling and laughing and singing alone. I felt bad because he was alone, so I became the 1 woman audience. He said, “Mom! Guess what! I can play as loud as I want to because they can’t hear me over their own music! How cool is that!? Beauty from the ashes!” and I thought to myself “that stupid phrase I always say when he finds himself in an ugly situation, he is now using on my ugly situation for the second time this weekend. What a wonderful world it is!”

Then I walked into crazy loud karaoke room and saw my husband finishing up the sewing project Eli and I started this weekend, that I was too burnt out on to finish. In all the craziness, he was sewing. Yes, sewing. HA! I know…totally crazy!

So I smiled and went back to Eli and praised God for using Eli to pull me out of that stupid glass door. Then, I laughed at how small and insignificant my problems are in the shadow of the cross. My ego surrendered and retreated. Actually she was more crushed with humility.  And I was free from myself.

The only thing powerful enough to squish down my resentment is love. In memory of the beautiful MLK, he says “Love is the only force capable of transforming an enemy into a friend.”

Love wins.Heart Redemption is here.

Today I will choose to love hard instead of holding that resentment.

The cool thing about those circle glass doors, is that they are glass. You can see through them and to the other side. This is hope. It is setting my expectation, that I will get out. I can see it. All I have to do is make the move and step into love. The sunshine of love.

Keep Coming Back

We would sing the birthday song for sober birthdays every week. Years of sobriety, months, days, even hours…we weren’t picky or concerned with the details. We would just sing. At the end of the song we added our own little line, “keep coming baaacckkk!” Keep showing up.

Courage is letting myself be seen. It is to fierce-fully love people. It is standing in my vulnerability and walking into my gooey sticky feelings.

Self,

Don’t be numb. When feelings come, soak them in. Chew on them, sit with them, stare at them, cry with them. They all get lonely and need to pay their visits on their own time. Don’t be numb. Don’t be afraid of the unannounced visitors. When guilt/anger/compassion show up invite them in. Feed them and let them rest. They are gifts from God that are there to tell you to love harder, give deeper and to be patient. Keep living loud. Keep singing praise of key. You are not perfect, you are beautifully imperfect and are so worthy of love and belonging in your creator’s hands. Keep pressing on. Do not be afraid.

I love how Paul says it:

 Brothers and sisters, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, 14 I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.All of us, then, who are mature should take such a view of things. And if on some point you think differently, that too God will make clear to you. Phillipians 3:13-15

Just keep showing up. Harness that fear, grab it and stand on it. Over power it and show up.

Esther and the Lorax

When Esther’s words were reported to Mordecai, 13 he sent back this answer: “Do not think that because you are in the king’s house you alone of all the Jews will escape. 14 For if you remain silent at this time, relief and deliverance for the Jews will arise from another place, but you and your father’s family will perish. And who knows but that you have come to your royal position for such a time as this?”

15 Then Esther sent this reply to Mordecai: 16 “Go, gather together all the Jews who are in Susa, and fast for me. Do not eat or drink for three days, night or day. I and my attendants will fast as you do. When this is done, I will go to the king, even though it is against the law. And if I perish, I perish.” -Bible, Book of Esther

And….

“Unless someone like you cares a whole awful lot, nothing is going to get better. It’s not.” -Dr. Suess

I live with my in-laws. Humbling to say the least. Daily it is a challenge raising 2 boys and a marriage. Yes, I am raising a marriage as well. We are baby newlyweds, and my marriage takes more attention and love than my children require. Kids are easy, but adults….oh man. Not my domain. My in-laws are from Vietnam. When everyone comes home from work my older son and I are often in our own little world, softly speaking English at the end of the table. We are the foreigners in a strange land. It is not a bad thing. I love and adore them and the culture immensely. But this brings challenges, lots of challenges, mostly to my pride.

I believe whole heartedly that God guides you to it to bring you through it. Cheesy and cliché I know! I have no idea what His purpose is for keeping me here, but I know it’s something. I have learned more patience, humility and more about love in the 2.5 years I have lived here. I have learned to put God first, to live for Him and not for others or even for myself. I have learned what it really means to love…haha sort of, only on my good days.

As I read through Esther (again) I see God’s hand in EVERYTHING! Just as I do as I look through my life. Interestingly enough, this is 1 of 2 books in the bible where God is not mentioned, but His presence and hand is clearly felt. I have a need to control EVERYTHING. This book is a constant reminder that I am not in control, HE IS! Although I may not feel Him, or understand what He is doing, I have to breath, trust and keep trudging the road to my happy destiny. God works and prepares other’s hearts as well as my own. I have no idea what He is doing around me or in me. If you have not read Esther I urge you too. It is so so good.

This is to be the year we FINALLY will purchase our own home. This will FINALLY be the year I enter full adulthood because in my warped mind it is a home that makes me an adult…?

Until then and probably even then,  I am and will be clinging to Esther and to the Lorax. They give me hope. Well, God gives me their stories….at least Esther’s anyway, and in their stories I find hope.They keep me focused.

If I don’t do ____, someone else will get to participate in God’s story there. Someone will do what I don’t. I have the privilege and the honor to be where I am and to do what I am doing thanks to God grace and His hand placing me into His will, His story.

Love is an unspoken language. Human compassion is universal and breaks boundaries created by our fears.

Do Over

2015, here is what I am going to do with the first 10 days of you. I am going to blog you.

Resolution: to love.

thNH2WM9Q6

Yeah, yeah, this was my 2014 resolution as well. It’s broad indeed, but so much needed. Jesus says over and over to love. Always love love love. I’m choosing to love. I am going to love hard, even when it isn’t deserved, because let’s be real…when is love ever really deserved? Love isn’t something we are entitled too. Love doesn’t just happen. It needs to be practiced. It needs to be mastered and that takes time, energy and failures.

So I am going to love.
This year I stumbled upon this Do Over movement with Jon Acuff. He’s a funny guy, I like him. My life is peachy, but it can get moldy, just as peaches do. So recently it has needed some pruning and other TLC maintenance. You can read more about this fun Do Over thing here: http://acuff.me/2014/12/want-media-list/. I am sure there is a fancy way to insert that, but blogging is new to me. My 8 year old could do it for me. He is my tech guru, but he is not around…so there. #feelinglazy My 10 day challenge thingy ma bob is going to be to blog it out.
I don’t like my blog. I started this thing and it has turned into something I am, but also not. Yes I am a recovering addict, but I am so much more than that. There is so much life beyond that fact and although the endless road of recovery is one of my favorite walking paths, it is not the only one I walk on. Sometimes I like to jog too, or ride my horse. There are so many other paths and means of travel. Shit I even drive on roads in my car and in other peoples vehicles! I started this blog because I find humor in the tiny cracks in the sidewalks where the ants build their homes. I laugh at my life. It is a blast to live. My life is peachy, but it isn’t ripe. There is sadness, my marriage sucks but we love each other. We just are 2 imperfect people trying to live a perfect life and it just doesn’t work most days. I live with my in laws, who are lovely people, but very different. They are Vietnamese and love to blast karaoke on school/work nights, don’t know how to speak quietly even when the person they are speaking with is directly in front of them, and they believe the world revolves around them. If they need something we are expected to drop whatever we are doing and serve them. But I promise they are amazing and the most loving people, just very difficult to live with. Life isn’t what I expected, definitely not what I envisioned, but it is so much more. This life is what I want to blog about. My grace filled, colorful, catching monster big sting rays and cutting them up with my husband to eat, feeding my son raw salmon and kale chips because he is now a pescatarian life is what I intended this blog to be. My life of recovery is beautiful, but I don’t and can’t stay there. I have to be present in my present.
So here we go 2015, 10 day Do Over Challenge.
Hey LOOK! I did it! Do Over
2015