Stagnate

:cease to flow or move; become stagnant.

Something crazy happened last night.

I felt deep embedded shame. I experienced this moment of pain. The roots I buried deep underground and covered with layers upon layers of busyness and activities came alive. They sprouted a little seedling that silently crept up to the surface. This was a seed I didn’t realize I had even planted, watered and were sunning until BAM “here I am!” it appeared. It burst from my heart and scared the hell out of me!

I choked. The words came out to a group of friends in a moment. In a moment I spoke it into existence.

Now people know my secret. Now I realize it’s there! My skeletons are now dancing freely on a table in front of me and they are laughing. Fear has enabled them to taunt, harass, and multiply my shame.

I said, “It’s been 5 months since my son lost his father from an overdose. This father wasn’t a dad, he became a guy we barely recognized. And I still don’t have my shit together. I am sitting on paperwork that needs to be dealt with and handled. And I sit and stare at it. I keep us so busy and running so I can say that I don’t have the time. This has caused bruises in my relationships. It’s raised feelings that I thought were dead. It’s embarrassing. This needs to be done. But I don’t like the messy. So I sit and stagnate”

I’m watering this stupid ugly seed with my smelly stagnate water….

Now my words are out there and my skeletons are entwined in a waltz of dirty dancing for others to see. I am now accountable.

It’s the little things that trip us up and make us feel dirty and unworthy. This “thing” is so small and silly, and yet, I hold it. I take it to bed with me, I shower with it, I feed it….and why? And now it rests in my hands. It wraps around my wrist like a bracelet for all to see with a shake of my hand.

I fall to the cross. God help me face this. Be with me. Walk with me. Show me what to do. Love me. Help me be free of this bondage.

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