I am a thrift store $1 picture frame hoarder. I repaint them and frame everything. One of the frames fell and broke, no heartbreak there because it was only $2. My son picked it up, he is 8, and said “Don’t worry mom! I got this. I will make beauty from the ashes!” This was on Friday. It set our theme for the weekend.
…Then came Sunday. I feel like I get stuck in those stupid revolving doors sometimes. I just keep circling. Just as I am about to step outside, that stupid door spins too fast and throws me back inside. Seriously.
I know I NEED to love. I know I NEED to throw away my resentments once they poke their little heads up and say “Yo! I’m here again!” But so often I just keep spinning…in the stupid glass revolving door. I can see the light, but I get stuck in my darkness which turns to shame when I see my son carry on my same behaviors. Monkey see, monkey do.
We often have karaoke parties at the house. Not our doing, not my house. Karaoke tunes are thrown against the walls and reverberate their squeals of pain, which creep under the cracks of all of the closed doors. There is no running away, especially when it is dark outside. (Trust me, I tried and running in the dark didn’t end well.) This is not a favorite past time. I would love karaoke if I could escape it or if it were an option. Usually these unwelcomed parties leave Eli and I locked in my room with some version of Harry Potter on the tele with volume cranked to 30. It is my small attempt to make the unwelcomed circumstance better. Because after all, we can’t control our circumstances, only our attitudes towards them…biting and cringing on my own words here. I’m such a hypocrite haha! Then I scan the rentals and apartments in the area and get depressed because to live in California, in our town, you have to have handfuls of cash falling from your pockets. I then realize I am stuck, and I sink into my dark spot where I lose my words and become a robot. and I HATE IT! I’m such a freaking baby. Pity parties are my specialty. And for the record I would never move out without my husband in tow, I would miss him terribly and be lost. It’s just a fantasy I play out in my head.
Well let me tell you…NOT MORE! NO MORE! I won’t sit there, in the dark anymore! That devil sneaks his way into my mind, and now I am saying no. This new found inspiration came from the 8 year old.
This time, the vice president of the pity party council said “NOT ANYMORE!!!!” Eli went upstairs, grabbed his guitar and my husbands laptop. He plugged in his amp, blasted some of his favorite Jesus tunes and sang, danced and strummed his little heart out. I emerged, pissy faced, from my pity palace and saw Eli wide eyed, crazy smiling and laughing and singing alone. I felt bad because he was alone, so I became the 1 woman audience. He said, “Mom! Guess what! I can play as loud as I want to because they can’t hear me over their own music! How cool is that!? Beauty from the ashes!” and I thought to myself “that stupid phrase I always say when he finds himself in an ugly situation, he is now using on my ugly situation for the second time this weekend. What a wonderful world it is!”
Then I walked into crazy loud karaoke room and saw my husband finishing up the sewing project Eli and I started this weekend, that I was too burnt out on to finish. In all the craziness, he was sewing. Yes, sewing. HA! I know…totally crazy!
So I smiled and went back to Eli and praised God for using Eli to pull me out of that stupid glass door. Then, I laughed at how small and insignificant my problems are in the shadow of the cross. My ego surrendered and retreated. Actually she was more crushed with humility. And I was free from myself.
The only thing powerful enough to squish down my resentment is love. In memory of the beautiful MLK, he says “Love is the only force capable of transforming an enemy into a friend.”
Today I will choose to love hard instead of holding that resentment.
The cool thing about those circle glass doors, is that they are glass. You can see through them and to the other side. This is hope. It is setting my expectation, that I will get out. I can see it. All I have to do is make the move and step into love. The sunshine of love.