Stagnate

:cease to flow or move; become stagnant.

Something crazy happened last night.

I felt deep embedded shame. I experienced this moment of pain. The roots I buried deep underground and covered with layers upon layers of busyness and activities came alive. They sprouted a little seedling that silently crept up to the surface. This was a seed I didn’t realize I had even planted, watered and were sunning until BAM “here I am!” it appeared. It burst from my heart and scared the hell out of me!

I choked. The words came out to a group of friends in a moment. In a moment I spoke it into existence.

Now people know my secret. Now I realize it’s there! My skeletons are now dancing freely on a table in front of me and they are laughing. Fear has enabled them to taunt, harass, and multiply my shame.

I said, “It’s been 5 months since my son lost his father from an overdose. This father wasn’t a dad, he became a guy we barely recognized. And I still don’t have my shit together. I am sitting on paperwork that needs to be dealt with and handled. And I sit and stare at it. I keep us so busy and running so I can say that I don’t have the time. This has caused bruises in my relationships. It’s raised feelings that I thought were dead. It’s embarrassing. This needs to be done. But I don’t like the messy. So I sit and stagnate”

I’m watering this stupid ugly seed with my smelly stagnate water….

Now my words are out there and my skeletons are entwined in a waltz of dirty dancing for others to see. I am now accountable.

It’s the little things that trip us up and make us feel dirty and unworthy. This “thing” is so small and silly, and yet, I hold it. I take it to bed with me, I shower with it, I feed it….and why? And now it rests in my hands. It wraps around my wrist like a bracelet for all to see with a shake of my hand.

I fall to the cross. God help me face this. Be with me. Walk with me. Show me what to do. Love me. Help me be free of this bondage.

Humble

:having or showing a modest or low estimate of one’s own importance:

Nothing like a little humility to set me straight.

After my last post I started the research journey of lent. Which seriously means I read Facebook posts and blogs. God speaks through people, so those are total accountable resources! Right? Real stories! I opened my bible too….online….on my computer screen, for truth. I pulled sources together, cross referenced things, listened to God.

I heard this over everything:

“When you fast, do not look somber as the hypocrites do, for they disfigure their faces to show others they are fasting. Truly I tell you, they have received their reward in full. 17 But when you fast, put oil on your head and wash your face, 18 so that it will not be obvious to others that you are fasting, but only to your Father, who is unseen; and your Father, who sees what is done in secret, will reward you.” Matthew 6:16-18

I’m pretty sure this was God covering my mouth and telling me nicely to shut up. I had to take a step back and ask myself, “Mandy, who are you fasting for? What is your purpose in this? It’s not even a real fast, what are you doing? Who’s applause do you want?”

Then I felt conviction. I felt humility. I felt a little dirty.

In came grace. Right on time. Real grace. I said He would catch me. He sat me down, rubbed my head and said, “Oh child of mine, you have so much to learn. Great enthusiasm though, keep it up!” Then I woke up humbled, renewed.

I started this thing to learn, learn I have and learning I am and will continue to do so. But I will do so quietly. I won’t complain to co workers or mention it at home. I will just do it with obedience and with silence. Of course after this blog entry I will start. I was convicted again on even writing about this, but after prayer and reflection and listening to God I believe I am to share it. To walk with Christ is to give glory in all we do to God. I just learned something HUGE and was caught beautifully by His grace.

I open myself to wisdom, ask for it and seek it. With wisdom comes humility.

I am humbled.

So strange to say and an even odder concept….I am honored to have been embarrassed by my words because the wisdom that came from my humility has humbled me and has made me in awe of my creator. God is so beautiful and so full.

And this is the purpose of a fast that I have come to realize….to have a spiritual awakening. To reflect. To curl up on God’s lap and say “God, I need you right now, more than ever. Catch me. Teach me. I love you. You fill me. You are not of this word. Thank you.” and to do so quietly. Intimacy with Yahweh.

More truth could be revealed and it will humble me more and I will be grateful.

Lady Wisdom or Lady Folly

I am addicted to sugar. It’s better than booze and drugs, but lets relate and not compare here. So, I am throwing in the towel, taking the plunge, going off the deep end and am going to deal with this the only way I know how.

Enter in glittery Jesus with snazzy background music!

Who’s the guy who takes away the sins of the world? ….Jesus

Who’s the guy who catches me when I fall?…..Jesus

Yeah!…and guess who is going to bail me out of this mess!?……same Jesus

It’s time for lent. What a coincidence! Wait…..this Christian doesn’t believe in coincidences, but believes that God is a master at bringing the universe together for his children babies and that includes ME! So lent is sort of a weird thing to me. I’ll be honest. I feel like people do it to just do it and feel all spiritually without knowing why or how they are doing what they are doing. So usually I don’t participate for that reason. I don’t even know where lent started or why. I just know its the 40 days pre cross. It’s not even biblical. I also know that God reveals wisdom when we seek with our hearts, so maybe this year that knowledge will be revealed. And maybe not. I have been google searching though, today, just a little.

So drum roll please……..cymbal crash!  CRASH

This year I am going to do this. I am going to sort of fast for Jesus. Why? Because I do all things for the glory of God. The bible tells me to do that. (1 Corinthians 10ish look it up, it’s good) So I will jump on this lent bandwagon and throw sugar off the back end. I will do this in the name of Jesus because he is my savior and he is who rescues me when I make messes.

I keep thinking of Paul, also in 1 Corinthians….I’m in Corinth today, my thoughts just keep jumping to this book. Which, my friends, is NOT coincidence. THAT is the nudge of God. So I am fearfully going to listen to that nudge and surrender my love of sugar and also read 1 Corinthians again tonight while researching lent.

OK, 1 Corinthians 9…at the very end Paul talks about beating his flesh. I am going to hugely paraphrase, my apologies to the bible scholars in advance, but I will quote it too just so it’s there,

Therefore I do not run like someone running aimlessly; I do not fight like a boxer beating the air. 27 No, I strike a blow to my body and make it my slave so that after I have preached to others, I myself will not be disqualified for the prize.

So here he isn’t speaking of actually hitting himself, but of self discipline. Or maybe he was a cutter. Maybe when he spoke about the thorn in his flesh he was LITERALLY speaking of a thorn. Mystery solved! I’m spreading rumors, sorry Paul. We all have faults and thorns. I’m not judging! Anyways. We must stay disciplined. We must stay sharp. We must deny ourselves desires of our flesh and wants of this world. If I give into my flesh, engorge on what I want and give into temptation, then who am I worshiping? My God or myself? I will choose God. I will deny myself. Physically speaking I will do this with sugar. I will keep myself sharp and keep this temple of my soul healthy. Breaking my flesh to strengthen my soul.

As I was reading “The Best Yes” today by Lisa Terkeurst I was “coincidently” reading a chapter with the same theme. Proverbs 9. It compares 2 women, wisdom and folly. It is so so good. So good I will paste these goodies too!

Wisdom has built her house;
    she has set up[a] its seven pillars.
She has prepared her meat and mixed her wine;
    she has also set her table.
She has sent out her servants, and she calls
    from the highest point of the city,
    “Let all who are simple come to my house!”
To those who have no sense she says,
    “Come, eat my food
    and drink the wine I have mixed.
Leave your simple ways and you will live;
    walk in the way of insight.”

Whoever corrects a mocker invites insults;
    whoever rebukes the wicked incurs abuse.
Do not rebuke mockers or they will hate you;
    rebuke the wise and they will love you.
Instruct the wise and they will be wiser still;
    teach the righteous and they will add to their learning.

10 The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom,
    and knowledge of the Holy One is understanding.
11 For through wisdom[b] your days will be many,
    and years will be added to your life.
12 If you are wise, your wisdom will reward you;
    if you are a mocker, you alone will suffer.

13 Folly is an unruly woman;
    she is simple and knows nothing.
14 She sits at the door of her house,
    on a seat at the highest point of the city,
15 calling out to those who pass by,
    who go straight on their way,
16     “Let all who are simple come to my house!”
To those who have no sense she says,
17     “Stolen water is sweet;
    food eaten in secret is delicious!”
18 But little do they know that the dead are there,
    that her guests are deep in the realm of the dead.

So we have 2 women. Both call out “Let all who are simple come to my house.” They are in the same location and asking the same things. The difference is Wisdom has prepped, practiced and self disciplined herself. She is ready. There are no short cuts there. She is living. She is fruitful. I love this. I am Lady Wisdom, not perfect, never said or will say that, but teachable. I am prepping my body, heart and mind for eternity. I am kicking the sugar to the curb in the name of Jesus. Squishing my wants for His will.

It was sugar or social media. Ha…I can’t get out of bed without social media. Real talk. I choose the easy way out really. After all, I am not Jesus.

Spirit Spit

I couldn’t contain my excitement. I was up at 5:30.The only pink shirt I own was about to be all up on this bod! I’m a themed dresser and I hate pink, but it was women’s conference day, day 2! Walking Confidently. I was fired up and in pink.

We were completely loved on and poured into the night before by the spirit. I imagined this was roughly 1/10th of the energy Peter felt as he huddled in a room with the other disciples and some believers as the Holy Spirit entered into them via God’s fire spit. God spirit spit melted into their skin, instantly penetrating their veins and filling their hearts. It was good. God spits fire, he really does. It’s in the word….you can’t deny it.

 They saw what seemed to be tongues of fire that separated and came to rest on each of them. All of them were filled with the Holy Spirit and began to speak in other tongues[a] as the Spirit enabled them. Acts 2:3-4

Now, I didn’t see any actual fire tongues, but I could feel my heart heat up and beat faster. It was totally a Book of Acts moment. It was good and I was ready for more.

My oldest had other plans. I woke him up Saturday with praises. He has many gifts and talents, but winning is NOT one of those! He makes running look hard. Like seriously, you see this kid run and you will never want to run again because it just looks like pain. He was at a birthday party the night before and played laser tag. He came in last place, but was so excited that when he reminisced the story, I had just assumed he did well. It wasn’t until the morning, when I found the score card that I realized he was in last place. My heart melted. God doesn’t make us winners baby, but he surely gave us the gift of good sportsmanship!

Then…

“Eli can you turn down the ipod (Chris Tomlin music of course) please, people are still sleeping…..Eli more please, I can still here it on the other side of the house.”

“Fine!” He screamed as he turned it off and slammed it on the table. This ipod is hanging onto life. It’s barely there….literally barely there, half of the screen is already chipped off and somehow it still works. Like, you can’t be slamming and dropping this thing. It probably works because Chris Tomlin possessed the dang thing to play just HIS MUSIC! AHHH, he haunts me!

Well this was, of course, not ok and resulted in the ipod being taken. Moans. Then,  there was no milk because I forgot to get some. Moans. So Starbucks brownie for breakfast day! Calories don’t count during Women’s Conference day so game on! Cheers! I ordered chocolate milk and not hot chocolate. Moan. The tears. The tears. I was just making Eli’s life hell apparently. I finally broke and yelled….hard. More tears…and Tomlin singing about waterfalls and streams of mercy. It was just too much. Just way to much water, AND IT WAS WOMENS CONFERENCE DAY!!! I should be the one with the waterworks on while having some spiritual, fire tongue, spirit spit, God revelation moment darn it! Oh the irony.

Against all odds, he somehow remained in my car and I threw my hands up and laughed, eventually. I said, “Boy! You can’t rain on my parade. If you don’t want to eat that’s cool. If you don’t want your chocolate milk that’s cool too! More sugar for me because today calories don’t count!” We marched into that conference messy. We still showed up and we showed up ugg–aaa–lleee. He looked like a meth addict all red faced, eyes swollen and 4 scabs on his face from who knows what, boyhood perhaps? We were a sight! The baby just woke up and was in pajamas still and me…well I was angry and exhausted, already. I ran to my friends and asked what was wrong with my child!? They laughed and said absolutely nothing.

I was reminded. God doesn’t call us to become perfect people. He doesn’t call perfect people. There aren’t even any of those! He calls the messy. He calls the meth addicts and the meth addict look a likes. He calls the moms who fall apart and yell. He draws close those who throw up their hands in defeat. He grabs those hands and pulls them out of the water and guides their feet to walk on it! We struggle so He can shine. If we didn’t have trouble, God couldn’t show up. There is no miracle to take place if nothing is in need of some miracle making. He doesn’t remove us from adversity. He shows up in it. So then when we move and live and love in those terrible, ugly life moments people see a God at work in us. We praise him in the rain and the waterfalls of tears and He shows up and wipes them away. He never promises us a life of ease, but He promises us comfort and peace. Jesus says:

“I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world” John 16:33

So take heart my friends. Seek his comfort and it will be given. Show up messy and he will love on you. I walked out of that conference with confidence in my chaos. I am a mess, a beautiful mess, and that is ok. In my imperfect reflection  I can see His perfection because He shines through my cracks and brings light to the world. I just have to sing His glory loud and proud, give credit to where it is due. It’s not me that does the good stuff, it is Him in me. I am the one who yells, He is the one who redeems it. He showed me comfort through love from His people, my friends, who laughed and said “girl me too, you are not alone!”  And that my friends, is a truth that I can walk confidently in.

Guide to Learning of Self (Mandy Edition)

People often question, “Who am I?” “What do I value?” “What are my morals?” “What kind of person do I want to be?” and so on. Often, these times of “self discovery” lead to trips around the world, or on journeys in your (mostly) single life. You meet people and leave people, become a gypsy. It’s all under the “YOLO” “Self-seeking” “I’m finding myself” “All about me time” “Imma do me” attitude.

…I think this is crap. But this is me thinking.

AND I think these are all beards. They are all cover ups. Beard A way to run. A way to avoid. It is a way to become someone you are not. It is a way to hide behind the excitement. When someone says something you don’t like you say “Peace out!” and throw up your deuces. Yes, you now have a pocket full of experiences and have enjoyed life. Pat yourself on the back. But the path of self discovery, I believe, doesn’t truly begin until 2 things happen.

1) Marriage

Nobody will be quicker to point out how bad you suck at life than your spouse. Those late nights used to be ok. The socks on the floor and pile of dirty clothes left in the bathroom after you showered used to be fine and unnoticed. You quickly realize that consequences follow actions and that they come in good and bad versions. Once, in your past and pre married life, you used to preach on forgiveness and on love….then you realize what a hypocrite you are because these ideas quickly retreat and hide under the bed when confrontation evokes. It used to be so easy. You used to love from afar, but now you must be accountable on every little thing.Oh boy! Look out! This means if you don’t cook dinner because you were to busy saving the world of the PTA, guess what!? Who cares? Dinner isn’t cooked so the world at home ends! Let’s see how well you can be all loving when that happens!

2) Children

Have you ever seen a mini human become so angry and loose patience in an instant just because 2 lego pieces wouldn’t connect correctly, or because the homework computer program won’t connect properly? Connection problems grrrr.  I’m sure you have seen this. Then there is that EUREKA moment… aka SHIT moment! You think, “I do the same thing!” Ever hear your child spew words of hatred because they were taught by example to snap when they get angry and to fire back with words? Have you seen your child protect what is theirs because they weren’t taught to share? Or if they were, they were taught out of discipline and not understanding. They share out of fear, instead of from their heart because they were never taught that human connection is worth more than their toy. Want even more of a challenge to finding self? Be a single mom. Then you can’t blame your child’s mouth on your spouse or their messy habits on them either. You are their #1 influence. BAM!

Self discovery….is mostly discovered with others.

Of course I have a perfect marriage and perfect children so I can’t relate to the above. My only defect is that I am simply to awesome. The fingers don’t all point to me here.

Fingers

Life is a path to self discovery and I am learning that I am just beginning to learn who I am.

Search my God and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me and lead me in the way everlasting. -Psalm 139:26

Failure is always an option, but it is never final. There is always grace and there is always hope. In all that good stuff there are struggles. The struggles are the cracks and in the cracks the light will shine. C’est la vie!

 

Fruits of the Spirit + Courage

A co-worker gave me a calendar last Christmas from Hawaii as a gift. It has hung in my cubicle all year, most of the time on months past. I took it down to toss it, it was still hanging on the month of October. I flipped through the pictures and thought, this is pretty and I don’t want to throw it away. I saved it from garbage death. After all, scouts are thrifty! (#scoutlife)

Courage. It has been a word that keeps reoccurring lately. On Monday, I either read or heard that the root word of courage is ceur, or heart. Then I went to the dictionary and read the official definition: “the quality of mind or spirit that enables a person to face difficulty, danger, pain, etc., without fear; bravery.” Put those ideas together, they make a baby:

Courage is telling my story whole heartedly.

I doodled this definition and hung it on my cubicle wall. I grabbed the calendar and tore out a pretty picture of the beach. I cut out COURAGE and hung it by my little doodle. My friend Marlo swung by and complimented my word. She said, “I need one that says PATIENCE!” So I made one. I didn’t stop there. I cutout LOVE and JOY.

courage

Then I thought to myself, or God spoke to me. I like the latter idea better, He speaks in thoughts and this was totally not my idea anyways. I have to give Him the credit and the glory on this…He said “fruits of the spirit.” Then I thought, “gosh God…genius!!!”

But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law. -Galatians 5:22-23

So I cut and cut and cut all week. It was my little project that I would turn to in between the phone calls and the emails and the boring work stuff. It became a beautiful release.

Yesterday while leaving the house, I snapped at my son. He peed on the toilet and was lying about it. Both pet peeves. When I got to work I looked at my phone and saw a text message, “stop slamming doors please.” This did NOT go over well in my head. I don’t even remember slamming doors, for the record. I wrote back multiple times without hitting SEND, thankfully! I spewed bad words to my husband and to a coworker and 2 dear friends. I wear my life on my sleeve, I can’t keep my emotions hidden. I turned to people I knew would tell me to let it go, and that it wasn’t even a big deal, and that I was only upset because of the real underlying issues, and that I shouldn’t take it out via text and blah blah blah. I have the best of friends and husband!

I started distracting myself to keep me away from my phone. I worked. I put some tunes in my ears. The thoughts kept coming and over powering every effort I was throwing out to get them to hush. Then I had a break in the work flow and turned to my last word. The last fruit of the spirit. SELF-CONTROL. And I laughed out loud, not just lolled…..way to go God! I see what You did there! Very clever. My anger suddenly stopped. Ha go figure! God is cool.

fruits

These words became a ministry. Marlo asked for patience and it was given. Self control drilled me in the face. It was a co workers birthday and I gave her FABULOUS and she gave me a smile.

Then an interesting co worker came by. He was in the army and has a bit of a short temper. He reminds me of the high school quarter back who peaked senior year and is now stuck in a job with a bitter attitude. But I like him, nice guy..sometimes. He complimented me on the words and hinted that I make him one. I choose BE STRONG. As in army strong…because ya know he’s an army guy. He just paid me another visit after noticing the period I cut out and placed at the end. Since his was a sentence and not a word it needed a period. I choose this small little tree hanging on by its roots. It is white knuckle rooting the side of this hill. Strong little thing. He likes the tree. He also mentioned that he once lived in Hawaii, which is the location of the photo words. Connection.

God is smiling on us and in us. He is softening hearts. I reorganized my cube today and put my words in a place that all can see as they pass by. I just found the same calendar in a coworkers cube on the verge of garbage death and I saved it. God has 11 new lives to touch with words.

The words will come. They always do with time.

Have a God-willed week friends. Will, not fill. That isn’t a typo.

But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own. -Matthew 6:33-34

 Fruits explained:

You, my brothers and sisters, were called to be free. But do not use your freedom to indulge the flesh[a]; rather, serve one another humbly in love. 14 For the entire law is fulfilled in keeping this one command: “Love your neighbor as yourself.”[b] 15 If you bite and devour each other, watch out or you will be destroyed by each other.

16 So I say, walk by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the flesh. 17 For the flesh desires what is contrary to the Spirit, and the Spirit what is contrary to the flesh. They are in conflict with each other, so that you are not to do whatever[c] you want. 18 But if you are led by the Spirit, you are not under the law.

19 The acts of the flesh are obvious: sexual immorality, impurity and debauchery; 20 idolatry and witchcraft; hatred, discord, jealousy, fits of rage, selfish ambition, dissensions, factions 21 and envy; drunkenness, orgies, and the like. I warn you, as I did before, that those who live like this will not inherit the kingdom of God.

22 But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, 23 gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law. 24 Those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires. 25 Since we live by the Spirit, let us keep in step with the Spirit. 26 Let us not become conceited, provoking and envying each other. Galatians 5:13-26

Cheesy Running the Race Post…

I counted 4 dead skunks on my drive home from work last night. It’s mating season. I get really empathetic at this one curve. There is a carcass on one side of the road and another lifeless one across the road from it. Romeo and Juliette of skunk life. I can just imagine Romeo skunk being struck by athHWIZLZAW clunky trunk rattling down the road. BAM! Skunk dead. Juliette skunk is so taken with grief. She finally found her smelly skunky soul mate of the season. Filled with grief she lays in the road until she gets plowed by the SUV rolling around the bend. She looses hope for the season and lets go. Her feelings overcome her with grief and she stops running the race to mating happiness. Sometimes we die for love. Sometimes we die from stupidity and bad choices. But we all do fade away.

Dying for love? Yes. Some things are worth giving up our breath for. For skunks, mating is their “thing”. For Jesus, his “thing” was us.

What would I give my life for?

Surely I would NOT give it up for a night in the sack. No way. Maybe for my husband? my kids? a stranger? If it were a choice, them or me? If I go they get to live, but with grief, while I rejoice and dance with my creator. If they go, they get to experience full on the love of God. Could you imagine that embrace? Whhooossshhh…mind blown type of stuff! But gee, how did Jesus do it for us!?

I cannot wait to be in the presence of God. I am eager to reach my eternity. The actual act of dying and watching my loved ones do the deed is just too much of a thought. We’ve seen a lot of death this year. As the years add up in my earthly existence, the more fragile I learn that I am. I am shaken daily with how precious life is. What a treasure love truly is! What a gift is belly gut laughter! I cannot waste time in fear and regret, guilt and shame, anger. Any moment a truck could ram into my side and send me to my eternity and into the palms of Jesus. My time here cannot be wasted.

We must keep running the race. We must keep trudging the road to our happy destinies. We must not give up and give into our feelings. We know thAVP1GGA1where we are going and we know that kingdom of eternity can be brought here, in the now, with love. Throw off the extra weight, lighten the load, let Jesus carry the yoke of burdens, you have loving to do! You have compassion to share!

Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a huge crowd of witnesses to the life of faith, let us strip off every weight that slows us down, especially the sin that so easily trips us up. And let us run with endurance the race God has set before us. -Hebrews 12:1

I’ve read so many running the race stories. I’ve listened to podcast after podcast. But I needed it repeated, and I needed to teach it. In teaching environments it is suggested to repeat the idea you are trying to teach at least 3 times and in different ways. Tell it, write it, show it. It is the most likely way to stick. I learned in elementary that the best way to show you have learned and grasped a concept was to teach it, or to help a friend. So here. I have heard, I have read and now I teach….with dead skunks. I learn from repetition. I will need this lesson again…probably as soon as tomorrow.